father's day and my father

In last week I experienced an extreme low, one of the reasons I think was because I was having some insecurity issues with my boyfriend.

After reading a book called Captivating - an insightful read, from a Christian perspective regarding what women want in their relationships and why they behave in certain ways. In my opinion one of those books that you should read a couple of times, in which you will gain a little more wisdom every time.

Something that is a fear to me in my subconscious that was made aware by the book was the divorce of my parents. In my relationships, I am petrified that I my boyfriend will leave me the way my dad left my mom and I will end up like my mother. And what my mother has become is a nightmare on its own. Now my question lies in this: how do I forgive my dad? How do I move past all of this?

My best friend gave me some good advice a while ago and it is pretty obvious that I haven't done this yet. If I had, I would have closed this chapter: She said I needed to communicate with all the people I have anger towards, ask them the questions that are keeping me back from the person I am, should be. The hard questions, the honest questions, the why's. At the moment I am sitting with a lot of perceptions that I am holding on. I should rather ask the why's, this could leave me with two feeling - either I will understand their perceptions and will feel at peace. Or I will have confirmations of what I feel in my heart and I will simply have to deal with it. Either way I have confirmations rather than perceptions.

Then again - THIS IN IT'S OWN isn't easy, I struggle with speaking to my dad. Perceptions of this big man that reprimands and punishes. Of me being a little girl, instead of the grow-up that I am. And my dad isn't half as bad as the picture I have just created. It is more awkward and uncomfortable, communicating with him. Along with the fact that he is all the way in Cape Town.

And yet I miss him, beyond words.

Balance

I haven't been blogging here in the last while - I think this is because I have found this to be more of a spiritual blogging space for myself and I struggle with balance.

I'm either all out, cannot stop thinking or speaking about God. Or I am not. And as much as I know I need to find balance I'm not too sure how. And that makes me feel even weaker. Silly I know!

disappointed

I know things could be worse - I know I should be grateful! And I know there is a breakthrough around the corner! There is always hope!

Yet I can't help but feel sad!

I have known since Thursday that the annual increases will be nothing as expected. I.e. 6% less than expected - I was hoping that somewhere between hearing the news and receiving the official document a miracle would happen and I would somehow get the expected 10% increase!

Silly I know!

If our business has halved I would still understand this - but we are doing extremely well!

I think it is time to stop the questions and look at alternatives - maybe there is a reason for it. I don't want to look for impossible answers in the obvious (i.e. economic recession) but maybe I'm in a bit of a comfort zone and it's time to put my foot in the job market again!

The main reason why I am a bit depressed is because this increase would have helped me get to a place where I would be able to afford my own place again! I should hang in here - the sun is bound to come out again!

A Lesson Learnt Well

At one stage I felt pretty bad - I had hysterical cries combined with an arm that was probably paining from all the elbow crease it takes to scrub a wall of this caliber.

Followed by cruel giggles of motherhood - the things you need them to learn quickly, at this age otherwise you might just find yourself bailing your child out of jail for vandalism.

The best when you are seen as the best-est mommy in the world for helping them clean the wall (along with the power of WIM)

While of course they use pure elbow crease and Sunlight liquid!

All about Human Beings

This just put thinking outside the box real again - short of place things into perspective - it is all about people!

Have a lovely day!

xxx

No more limitations

The past couple of months I have been struggling to find meaning in my every day life, in purpose. It seemed like coming to terms with the fact that I am Christian - has brought about more uncertainty regarding my short-term future.

Which is silly, isn't it?

That is contradicting who Jesus is.

Anyway - I have found myself saying things like I only want to be where God wants me to be and honestly - I do. But I'm not about to stop my everything I do and wait for an answer until I have one. I would rather walk in the knowledge that He guides my every step - He lives within me, so even if I don't realise it - He is doing that every moment of every day anyway whether I realise it or not.

Maybe this is my process of learning what faith it, learning that Christianity is on many different levels and to think outside the box of what is traditionally taught at the churches, in books and in general. God is so much bigger than we can think or imagine and it is time we start acknowledging this factor.

Being Molded

The other night I saw a lady sitting behind a pottery wheel and making the most incredible pot - she made it look easy, natural even. A moment later she invited the program's host to give the pottery wheel a try and in turn she made Potter, stand out at her craft!





I wouldn't say this really gave me a reason to post about pottery or my Maker. It stuck in my mind without overwhelming me every moment of every day.


Then I read this post at "Bring the Rain" and I felt overwelmed by the honesty of her post. I'm sure if I when through all she has with little Audrey I would have been locked up in an institution by now.

The fact is, my relationship with God needs some dimention. I want it to have more dimention, because pretending that I am this wonderful Christian doesn't work. It is hard work and as much as I would love to go on pretending that I am holy and better than everyone else. I'm not! It's not me, it's Him.

But as long as I'm pretending it's me, I am going to burn myself out and end up right at square one, where I was when I decided the Christian thing is too much effort. So I will rather continue being honest, at least with myself, being baptised was a love experience - I know I have a new identity now. It doesn't feel like it!

Most days I still feel too tired to go to work, frustrated with myself and hurting in myself when I dare admit it! And I don't to feel this way!

Today however I am going to chose to remember that I have a Potter that has made me with purpose, that is the reason I have the pain that I have, that is also the reason I feel crap in the mornings. I am being molded into something better.

Read these if you will:
Romans 9:21 (The Message)

You have everything backward!
You treat the potter as a lump of clay.
Isaiah 29:16 (The Message)

A give and take

I have this acking pain within my heart. I remember this poem I read when I was young - I must have been 10 years old - in all honestly I couldn't have understood the meaning of the words. But I liked the sounds it made when you read it aloud.

It had to do with a scabbing wound that you wouldn't heal - you'd ignore it for a while, until you were forced to look at it, feel the pain of it and then you would hide it away again.

My life is transforming - I can feel it - it's uncomfortable in some ways - this is one of the ways it is uncomfortable at the moment. I need to deal with the emotions within my heart. I need to let the emotions in my heart go.

I know God have come and died for my sins and taken away every bit of my shame, my guilt, my abandonment, my loneliness, my pain, my sadness, my hurt and my limitations. He has given me my salvation, peace, hope and joy in return.

I wish I could say I feel all of those.

For now I take ahold of what is mine, even if I just take the air with my hands and I believe that my Father has given me, my heart's desires!

13It is written: "I believed; therefore I have spoken."[b]With that same spirit of faith we also believe and therefore speak, 14because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you in his presence. 15All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

2 Cor 4:13-15

This is why I have a Kid...

I am stealing it from ExMi, who in turn found it from this website that found absolutely hilarious. And I know for some people this may be defensive, especially if you are trying for a baby or busy with infertility drugs. (Except if you have a sick sense of humor!)

"For me however, I need to lighten up and forgive myself for the
fact that I fell pregnant at such an early age..."

Here is why the f*ck I have a kid:

Because he looks like his dad when his dad shaves his head - which in turn helps me pretend that he only has my perfect genes.

Because he is an artist at heart and pretend to be behind the camera instead of infront of it!

Because my mornings are filled with moments like these where he pretends to an alien from another planet. Well that along with our new hobbie called: "Exploring what Freud calls our psycho-sexual stages of personality development"

Colour My World - A request

My heart is paining today. Without any obvious reason, I feel "eina" inside.